My grandmother will be 99 tomorrow. A tough one for her, I think -- she has so little interaction with others, due to her dear-blindness and near- deafness -- and I know that she wonders how she could have lived so very long, when she has lost her husband, four daughters-in-law and a grandson.
I have been living with my sorrow over my stepmother's death for the past two weeks, and with many questions about what enhances life and makes it worthwhile, and what diminishes it to the point that it is not. I have a picture in my bedroom of my grandmother in her 70s, on an African savannah with zebra grazing behind her. But overseas adventure notwithstanding, she has lived for at least the past ten years within the confines of two small rooms, increasingly unable to recognize or converse with those of us who love her.
My father has begun the inevitable process of questioning his and his wife's decisions about her medical care, raising issues that my brother and I tried without any success to discuss with them, and creating intense internal regret on my part for my utter failure in that regard. (I reserve my fury for her doctors.) And, of course, we are bombarded at every turn with Terry Schiavo's tragic existence.
Birthdays are just not what they used to be. And the hibiscus blooming in Florida right now are many miles and months from here.
7 comments:
Nice job you did with that flower. There's much love in there in your center. My mom just truned 85 in January...wow 99...pretty amazing. Then to know that she's been on an Afarican Safari...tells me alot about who she used to be. Sounds like she has many memories to draw on and most likely does. Then there's Terry and what to make of it. What purpose has all this served. Was it to bring something to our attention. Only time will tell. Perpahs most likely getting our houses in order...our wishes down...not written in stone...but written anyway. Many blessings to you and yours at these times.
Marlene-PurelyPoetry
The flower looks like a mandala.
The challenge for me is to try to maintain my sense of wonder about life. I agree with you that our orientation toward events changes as we age. Sometimes I feel myself slipping into a feeling of regret and disappointment about life--not specific facets of it--I mean LIFE. But this attitude is soul-killing. I try to focus of something beautiful, like your flower. Sedum. The funny dark outline around our dog's mouth, looking like a clown's lips. I try to find some element of joy. I know the past weeks have been hard for you. But you are not a "failure." Peace.
Some day, we--the human race in general and medical science in particular--will come to a real understanding about when to intervene and when to let nature take its course. Treatments like your step-mother's cancer intervention--which did little more than offer false hope while, seemingly, seriously compromising her quality of life, perhaps should not even be offered. I know I believe that my dad's surgery for a cancer that the doctors knew was going to kill him, and sooner rather than later, should not even have been offered him as an option. And without "heroic measures" Terry Shiavo would have died fifteen years ago, and her husband and family would not be waging this very public war today.
Lingering in old age... We are impatient. We hate the idea of becoming old, feeble, losing our cognitive abilities; but it is the natural way of things. In its way, it is a gift to die of old age. To have squeezed every bit of good we could out of every day we could. To give others the opportunity to care for us at the very end, even though we might feel as if our lives have no more meaning. We live until we die. That is the road the creator has put before us. Not always an easy one. {{{{Robin}}}} Lisa :-]
Happy Birthday to your Grandmother! I hope that your Dad will be feeling some peace soon :-) Pamela
Happy Birthday to your grandmother! Almost a century of life - what things she has seen and how sad that she has lost so much of her ability to interact with you and the world.
I have also been thinking a great deal about your stepmother as I hear news reports of Terri Schiavo and think about life and end-of-life issues. I have many more questions than answers as I wrestle with these ethical dilemmas of quality of life and intervention.
I think many people are considering their end of life wishes, because of the Schiavo case. My DH and I put together our "Health Care Directives" using a do-it-yourself lawyer program. My grandmother lived into her 90's and often made sad comments about "having lived too long". I wonder how we can have those last years be meaningful and special, even if the quality of life is not the same as it was in our younger years.
Aww, try not to be too hard on yourself. I wish I had done more when two of my grandparents were struggling with old age issues, but at the time I was too far away and it wasn't "my place", there were others to whom those responsibilities naturally fell, their choices and actions weren't necessarily what I would have done. It is hard to think of the "what ifs". Very hard. I know your father will struggle with this and I am sorry for him and for the situation and sorry that you and your brother weren't able to break through to them. I think you did everything you could do, we have so little control over others when it comes right down to it. {{{}}}
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