When I was a girl and lived in the country, I imagined that my adult life would be much the same, only a bit more expansive. For a long time, I thought that I would live in the country and own horses. I guess I thought that my career as a famous writer would support my animals.
I am often surprised by how things turned out. I love where we live, but it's not anyplace that I ever envisioned until I realized we'd been here for more than a decade. When I was very young, I expected space and wild places, most likely out west, and instead I live on a tiny suburban lot near a large midAmerica city. I expected to have large animals all over the place, but instead I have had citified (sort of) dogs, cats, gerbils, and birds.
I was reminded of those long-ago dreams this past week-end. We stayed way out in the country, and my son and I took a walk the first evening and saw a beaver meandering across a lake and horses rambling across a field.
I'm not sure that I could manage a life like that anymore. I haven't been on a horse in maybe eight years, and I would miss the ease of city life. But it's something to think about. Could I change everything about my existence? One of my friends is looking at new homes as she prepares for a major move and, while I never imagined myself in a house built in the last 50 years, much less in the last few months, I am entranced by the photos she has sent. I am thinking that I have become a total stick-in-the-mud and that perhaps we could live completely differently than we do now.
10 comments:
I have been looking back over my own life recently and realized how unlike my early visions it has become. Horses always figured in my plans too, as did writing, but neither happened. It is years since I have been on horseback yet still I sometimes dream I am riding. My sister owns a retired racehorse, so I get it vicariously, I guess.
I loved reading your thoughts, which were beautifully expressed, and the horse is sweet.
Vicky
http://www.livejournal.com/users/vxv789/
You always wonder about the roads not taken. Funny how many of our major life decisions seem to be made unconsciously, or at least it looks that way in the rearview mirror. Sometimes you really have to think about how and why you made the decisions you did in light of where and who you were when you made them. Sometimes it is really hard to remember!
What a wonderful face this horse has. A Christmas favorite of my daughter-in-laws is "It A Wonderful Life or Miracles on 35th Street....I wonder why that was written and always shows around Christmas time..the time we seem to reflect back on our life and the paths we have chosen. You are right where you are suppose to be, but that doesn't mean should you so desire that you couldn't make a change....never be a stick in the mud and never say never.
Marlene-PurelyPoetry
my vision for the future seems to continually change. I don't think I ever had any visions of where i would be as an adult because i never felt at home anywhere we lived when i was younger.
As I look at the journals of people I've come to think of as friends, I see quite a few of us have this feeling, Robin, of being stuck. It comes from being middle-aged and having made our choices, for good or for bad. The rut, or groove, is worn and we keep traveling it 'round and 'round. If it were not for my writing, I believe I would totally go mad. Teaching also wears on the soul and frays the nerves. Even that becomes rote after a while. Once in a while we feel our former brillance and energy, but it is soon snuffed out. Can we change our life? I fantasize about it. I applied for a teaching job in Alaska last year. I applied this year for a one-year visiting writer position at a university not far away. Still, I sigh and wonder what my life has come to. Part of it is the time of year; my exhilaration about winter is melting into springtime sludge. Classes are almost over, but not quite--there is a terrific hill to climb before summer vacation. My own writing life is mostly in my head--I'm at a standstill even there, at a crossroads. My prose wants to fly but I haven't figured out the mechanics of the wings yet. It's a little like being one of Holden Caulfield's fish, frozen in the lake.
I'm looking at a mojor move from my beloved Central KY to the flat lands of North Indiana. I'm scared and exhilarated. Ying and yang. Leaving a pretty good job that I am pretty good at for unknown. Or maybe not. That is the hold midlife has on you.
You are not stuck, you have simply made choices that have fit for you at the present time. In the future you could make a different choice if you wanted to. You would weigh all the pros and cons of country vs. city life, and if you decided to make a change, you would own your decision and thrive. I think many of us live parallel lives....the actual life we are living and the "what could have been had I made a different choice" life.
But I know what you mean about "what if...". I'm a California girl and NEVER thought I'd leave California. Occasionally (OK, maybe once a week!) I find myself thinking, "how the h--- did I end up in Minnesota?" as though it were a random occurence that happened TO me instead of something I chose. But obviously since I've been here for 9 years there must be something about it that "works" for me, something about the pro vs. con decision that causes me to stay here, at least for now. In fact, I could sit here and list 100 good things about Minnesota, and 100 bad things about California, were I so inclined...but I'm not going to because I still think there's a good chance I'll end up back in CA someday...
One of the few choices I've made in my life that I DON'T regret is where we have chosen to live. I LOVE living in Oregon, where we are right now. It's beautiful here, and I'm thankful for it every day. Still, I envy your life, Robin...your education, your kids, all the places you have visited... When we reach this age, it seems we are never exactly where we would like to be... Lisa :-]
change is good for the soul.... yeah right, it almost killed me:):):) judi
I am also resistant to change. I am so stressed out about selling the home I lived in for the past twenty years. Alas, the "For Sale" sign was erected a couple of days ago! I know I need to move because where I am moving to is more convenient to me, my children and my husband. I am so attached to my home, selling it is like parting with a very good friend.
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