I'm just trying to decide what I want to do ~
Public or private?
AOL or not?
Eclectic or focused?
Journal writing or other writing?
Four funerals in one month is a lot. At least at my age. Each one of them a reminder of how little we know about one another. Each one of them a reminder that we will, every one of us, be remembered in some way.
How do we spend our time? How do we spend ourselves?
I'm feeling introspective just when I don't want to be.
Yesterday: calling hours for the fourth of the recently departed. I didn't know him at all, although I'm sure we were introduced at parties on occasion. My connection is his sister-in-law, a classmate from boarding school (35th reunion upcoming, for those of us skinny enough to put in an appearance). I was there probably less than an hour, but here's who I encountered:
the family, of course, which includes my friend, whom I have known since we were girls struggling in an advanced English course with probably the best teacher either of us would ever encounter, and her husband and three daughters, including the gorgeous young woman I first visited in a NICU 18 years ago after she had had the temerity to arrive three months early, and her sister, who has just lost her husband, and her mother, a retired Presbyterian minister;
another mom from those Montessori days that weren't really so long ago;
a woman whom I worked with when she was a legal secretary and I was a lawyer;
and a set of parents, now brand-new acquaintances, who also have a displaced Tulane daughter.
The best thing about my life is the variety of people I encounter. In any given week, I am teaching in an Orthodox Jewish school, studying at a Jesuit Catholic university, and worshipping in a progressive Presbyterian church. The funerals have been for a brilliant lawyer-educator-world traveler-musician-writer, a solid and and steady veteran-engineer-Mason (yeah, that part was interesting), a generous musician and vocalist with a vast circle of influence among colleagues and students, a gifted artisan whose work shines across our city. All of them spouses and parents.
Life is so much and so full and so short. How can I live it better? How can I write about it and do it justice?
11 comments:
thanks for the add! i enjoy your entries :-)
I can certainly understand how 4 deaths in one month might lead to the desire to step back and reassess the way you live your life, what you commit your time to, and how to make the most of both. Stacy
stay public! I missed you the day or so you were gone. My dad was telling me how hard it is to go to funerals for his friends (he is 74) and I am starting to see more and more people my age in the obits. I am overwhelmed with all the bad news lately.
I hope you stay public but can understand if your journaling needs to take a more private bent right now. So much loss at once is hard to process. My father often jokes that the first thing he does in the morning is read the paper so that he knows which funeral home(s) he'll be going to that day. At least he can joke about it at 77 because it brings me terribly far down when I see so many people my age dying or battling potentially fatal illnesses.
Too many deaths and illnesses. They definitely cause a person to look inward and think about our lives.
Robin, how I understand your indecision. This journaling becomes tricky, does it not? Good luck with the processing. Meanwhile, we can never do a THING justice by writing about it - but we can do the WRITING justice. You are a pure and elegant writer, who clearly speaks from the heart.
Meanwhile, my own heart goes out to yours. So much loss, so many fine people gone so close together. I am thinking of you,
Vicky
IMO, the best way is to write what is within you. Don't try to think of anything lofty or worthy. Just write YOU. Your writing will become the mosaic of your life. The things you care most about--and I mean you personally, Robin--are the things that produce your deepest, most moving, most fascinating entries. Just my two cents... Lisa :-]
It's hard asking the big questions. The ones you have about your blog are the diversions that make the other ones easier to handle because you're not thinking about them. Four funerals in a month is a lot for anybody. It's no wonder you're introspective now. I don't want to be introspective now either. I want to be out there, action oriented and accomplishing things, but there are other plans for me now, and I'm tired of fighting the tide. Take care of yourself while your mind journeys.
All that loss coming at once. Being a deep thinker has its drawbacks.
You allus welcome here in privy shantytown, where Massah Patrick say we not welcome at da party.
Sometimes just doing what we need to do on a daily basis can be overwhelming, when the circumstances are devasting, our emotions and thoughts can be confused and muddled beyond any sense or logic. You need to find the place where you can have your space for you and share the place when you are ready.
In a 2 week period 10 years ago, I lost 3 very close family members and a close personal friend and employee. They were all waked and burried within 1week. I thought I was going to loose my mind in grief. By the time the 4th call came, I could do nothing but cry for hours and walk. All my fortitude was gone and my life had changed. In time I put it back together.
I can remember one of my favorite uncles saying to me at the 3rd family funeral, ' this suit greets me each morning'. I laughed, then I cried.
Whichever you choose, I wish you and your daughter luck and smooth sailing in the future.
Tess
Well I for one hope you keep journeling at least once in awhile and let us know if you want to go private. We would miss you.
Jackie
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