There is a whole other domain out there that most parents never encounter. When you first stumble into it, you discover a province of such loneliness and fear that you are sure that one more step through it will cause you to crumple into a thousand shattered pieces. That option is unavailable; transformation is all that's left. (The choices have a way of narrowing with abrupt speed.) This is for the parents staggering through that other world. They look like all the others -- same jeans, same t-shirts -- but the others all look different to them.
In the regular world ~
You get up in the morning, set breakfast out on the table, chat with your children about the upcoming day, and hustle them out the door to school or activities.
In the other world ~
You wake up and stare at the ceiling with a dark sense of foreboding, as the memories of previous days and the knowledge of your certain helplessness return.
In the regular world ~
You call other moms to arrange carpools and friends to arrange a moms’ dinner out.
In the other world ~
You pick up the phone and try to make your way a little further down the list of psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and schools.
In the regular world ~
You lug Gatorade for the whole team to the game and stand on the sidelines cheering your child and teammates on.
In the other world ~
You stop by a friend’s child’s game and watch quietly, wondering if your child will ever run up and down a field again with that kind of fearlessness and abandon.
In the regular world ~
A friend on the telephone bubbles over with excitement about her child’s college acceptance, or all-state athletic recognition, or Presidential scholarship.
In the other world ~
You are praying, practically moment by moment, that the child who showed such promise two years ago will just make it to graduation next week.
In the regular world ~
You join in with friends who knowingly nod their heads and cluck disapprovingly over what must be the dreadful parenting skills and family chaos behind someone else’s child’s crisis.
In the other world ~
You keep your lips sealed when you encounter such conversations, because you know that tragedy and sorrow blow where they will.
I have found only one set of answers.
Love recklessly. Love extravagantly. Love with abandon.
17 comments:
I can certainly relate to this!
Yes, I feel like I am teetering a little bit into this world again with one of my children. Just got back from the doctor with him as a matter of fact.... I sure wish there were easy answers. I hope you are ok....... Pamela
Oh, thanks for sharing this. It describes exactly how I've been feeling. And you are right, love seems like the only sure answer....everything else is just a stab in the dark.
I think many parents experience this on some level. I wish more parents would speak up about it though. All it takes is one person to bring it up and the floodgates will undoubtedly open. {{{}}}
I think many parents experience this on some level. I wish more parents would speak up about it though. All it takes is one person to bring it up and the floodgates will undoubtedly open. {{{}}}
I think many parents experience this on some level. I wish more parents would speak up about it though. All it takes is one person to bring it up and the floodgates will undoubtedly open. {{{}}}
I think the other world might be more common than you imagine. We are dealing with a great psychologist but I am now at a point where I need to start dealing with the school system. I am very afraid of this step but know we need help to ensure good placement and get support.
That said. I don't pretend to understand your pain as I have not walked in your shoes but pain is out there in abundance. I'm working hard on the love part.
You brought tears to my eyes. Rarely have I heard it described so well, and your answers are the only hope.
I think this is unimaginable, unless you've been there yourself. You have well described the complete despair of a parent whose child is in crisis.
Such a poignant entry. You speak eloquently for so many of us. And though it may be hard to bring it up within yourself the answer IS always love. I send Good thoughts your way.
I agree. Cherish every moment.
Ocean, this is indeed a painful world you describe. Not only have I experienced it personally, but I work with these children daily and encounter their parents frequently. There is nothing more frightening than seeing a child spiralling out of control, and not knowing what to do to help. Nothing more despair-provoking than comparing your child with the "successful" golden-haired geniuses, or just the regular kids, wrassling with each other or joking as they walk home, swinging their battered backpacks, while your child is suffering.
Just a word to all readers on behalf of the professionals - those in the schools, mental health agencies, hospitals etc. - please don't assume they are "the enemy," to be "conquered" and/or "slain" on your quest for help for your child. Nearly everyone there is working because they want to help children and their families. Don't automatically assume they are there just to obstruct you. Thanks - and I wish you well on your quest for the envied "normalcy."
what am i doing here in the comments section? i have nothing to add. you have so clearly laid out the scenario. both our boys went through some long terrible years of psychiatrists, probation officers, school counselors, searching for a school that one could stay in and at least nominally graduate (he got the diploma, but wasn't able to take part in the graduation ceremony). i have one sister and one nephew still living through this version of the teenage years, one sister with an adult child who never did grow up mentally, though he is a large adult physically now. that sister will live in the dark despair until she dies, and then i don't know what will happen to the boy. and some of those kids living the seemingly normal version have different realities behind the scenes. whoever said here in the comments that if parents opened the floodgates there's no telling what would flow out was right.
a heartbreakingly true post. as as teacher i know you are in touch with this.
Best advice I've seen in a while!
Surely this was written for Laura. My heart goes out to her...she's facing such a difficult time. Through these journals, I've received insight into how parents feel about their children...a thing I've never experienced first-hand, from the parent's point of view. How it must hurt when a child is in trouble! Lisa :-]
Thanks for writing this. It is so true. Parenting opens a door amd we go through it, no matter what is on the other side. As you say, we experience transformation because we cannot quit or collapse. Mothers seem to be able to express this better than we feeble fathers, but I understand what you mean.
Neil
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