I don't know where I was when they passed out the Dancin' DNA. In some other incarnation, I guess. I was probably a Buddha sitting under a lotus tree just prior to being zapped back to ordinary human form due to my inability to stop LONGING for . . . oh, that little cottage on the beach, and the kayak to go with it, and the money to decorate it, and maybe just a few little other things, like the eternal defeat of the Republican Party.
Anyway, wherever I was, they were not handing out the Dancin' stuff there. Just in case I needed to be reminded of that fact which, after those humiliating years in high school gym, I did not, I decided to try a Jazzercise class tonight. I won't bore anyone with the litany of reasons for this idiocy on my part, all having to do with excess poundage and aerobic incapacity; let's just say that I promised myself 20 minutes of unadulterated and breathless movement and that I kept my promise:
Hiding in the furthest back corner of the gym, I keep my eye on the woman in front of me and try desperately to at least copy the leg and arm movements in my own pathetic little alternating sequence. I can't understand a word the instructor says, but I can imitate about one-fourth of what my secret role model is doing -- not that grapevine stuff, of course, but some of that left and right stuff. I look at the clock at least 20 times in the 20 minutes I have allotted to this trial and then. . .
Oh. My. God. There are two of my best friends, a husband and wife with their own new fitness goals, walking the second floor track that rings the gym. "Hi! Hi!" They wave cheerfully. I am looking to see if there is a drop-down trap door in the hardwood floor so that I can sink into oblivion. I am stuck with ten more minutes of this torture as they round the track again, and yet again. Okay, none of us are Olympic athletes or Tyra lookalikes, but walking has some semblance of dignity. What I am attempting to do does not.
I make it, though. I struggle through the 20 minutes to which I have sworn myself and then try to slip out the back, planning to effect my escape through a basketball game featuring vigorous and fit teenage males. (I should blend in well. Gender, age, skin color and physique all match perfectly.)
I don't quite make it -- the Jazzercise sign-in lady is also in the back. "Are you all right?" she asks, in a voice dripping with empathy for this poor woman who can't march and count to four simultaneously.
I need to scramble back to some other existence ASAP. Maybe I should try snowboarding. That at least has the benefit of a season several months away.
14 comments:
OMG - Laughing hysterically.
OMG - this is so funny - I so know the feeling! ~Lori
yes, that would be me. i don't do jazzercise, walk, bike, kayak . . . . that I can do
I used to do Jazzercise all the time, and I'm sure I looked ridiculous. It's fun, though -- you should give it another try!
Lisa
http://journals.aol.com/lici/AWritersAngst
I was going to suggest water exercise, but there was something anti-swimming in one of your recent entries. One nice thing about water ex is that the majority of your body is underwater, so nobody can actually see how well (or not) you are performing the moves. It works for me! Lisa :-]
Tai Chi is good too. And at least you can still afterwards. :-)
Jackie
heheh...you have described perfectly why I don't do aerobics classes! Step classes are even worse, because they put this big STUMBLING block there for some stupid reason. I just don't get it. I'll stick with my run/walk combo, thank you.
Been there, can't do jazzercise either. Can't do Tai Chi either. Faculty retreat--line-dancing bonding activity after the workshop was over--I got individual tutoring and still didn't pass. My sister is an aerobics/pilates instructor! I guess she got ALL the Dancin' DNA. I hear doing crossword puzzles helps stave off Alzheimer's, but I think my mental challenge is to try to mimic the moves on the $1.99 video I got in the "used" bin at Blockbuster. At least in the privacy of my own home, no one but the cat sees me just march in place when the instructor is doing the grapevine, or go left when she's going right. It's so pathetic; it helps me relate to my learning-disabled students--and btw it would make me feel terrible to be called aerobically-disabled. Anyway, it's heartening to hear others! I agree that aquarobics is great. It's just making myself go and do it--hooray for you for your effort. I'm in awe of all the walking you do, too.
Hehehehehe.... Funny!
V
At least you kept your sense of humor about it. Everybody has to start somewhere - do you think you'll try it again?
GREAT ENTRY!
dEREK
oh, this gave me such a chuckle........ you have the most delightful way of telling a tale. You should be very proud of yourself!!!! judi
This is great!
Judith
Very entertaining entry--but stop caring so much about what others think.
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