No matter how you cut it, going home is an unsettling experience.
I've been going home since I was twelve and first went off to boarding school. Once I hit my twenties, I seldom returned more than twice a year. My father and wife # 3 were involved with their own lives and young children, and didn't take much of an interest in mine (life or children). As they divorced several years ago, my father developed an interest in his grandchildren and began to come around, and started to include them (us) on his annual canoe trips in Canada. My current stepmother was delighted to enlarge her family circle, and stepped in quickly to help us out during a period of terrible family stress. The burgeoning relationships were good and happy ones for all concerned.
Now my stepmother is ill, and I've been home several times in the last few months. I don't have much to offer in the way of help, in part because my dad isn't much for accepting any, but at least my presence lets them know they are cared for and provides a few new topics of conversation.
Some of what I do have to offer doesn't interest them. In this particular situation, I would have called in the hospice troops months ago. I'm more likely to look a situation in the eye and conclude, "We are totally screwed here." They are more inclined to sidestep reality. It's a dynamic I'm acustomed to; my husband has often accused me of pessimism where I have simply wanted to acknowledge the presence of pain. You can move through it, but only if you do.
I found this barn across a field on a hill as I was driving around the countryside. Battered but still standing. A presence; a witness to the buffeting winds of change. Sometimes that's all we can be.
15 comments:
Sometimes that's exactly what we need to be. This was beautiful. I'm sorry you and your family is going though this.
I don't think you are a pessimist. "Realist" is more like it. On the other hand, I've been reading in one of my psychology textbooks about how "irrational optimism" is correlated with good mental health outcomes such as subjective well-being, something that surprised some researchers, because the definition of good mental health was "in touch with reality". It sounds like you are your stepmother (and father) have very different coping mechanisms.
I think you are a realist. Beautiful barn. My heart aches for you and your family.
That is a great picture. I think you are a problem solver by nature. You looked at the situation, assessed the problem and provided a solution. That is what is needed most of the time: solve the problem and move on.
It must be so hard to return home to the situation as it is. I will pray for much strength for your father, step-mother, you and everyone else involved in the months to follow.
It's tough to let people make their own decisions, especially when you believe in your heart you know a better way. This is something we will face often with our aging parents. They need to have as much control as they can handle for as long as they can handle it. We need to stand by and shut up. {{{{{Robin}}}}} Lisa :-]
Your current stepmother sounds like a wonderful person. I'm sad for her and your family. Thoughts and prayers are all I can do but they are here.
Thanks for sharing this. I'm glad that you are able to have even a limited relationship with your stepmother and can be supportive of your father. Keep up the support. I'll be praying for you. Blessings, Penny
Going home is so hard, especially when there is nothing that can be done. The barn photograph is something else.
I can't really explain it, but there's something always familiar or comforting about seeing something so old, and worn still standing. Maybe sometimes I feel like an old worn out barn that is ready to take the next windstorm, or is happily waiting for the sun to shine down on me. Your concern and insight into hospice doesn't seem pessimistic, it seems thoughtful and like the right thing. Take care and sending best wishes to your stepmother
Rebecca
I guess going home can be very difficult when you've been gone for so long. That old saying, "You can always go home" isn't always true for some people. Best wishes to your step-mother. Hang in there.
Tami
http://journals.aol.com/rivercitygirl1/PicturePages
My thought and prayers are with you and your family. That picture is wonderful and the statement "battered but still standing"...awesome.
Both of my parents are dead now, but before they died, I used to have the same feelings about going home, although perhaps for different reasons than yours. Still, I used to find myself dreading it and then feeling guilty for that. I used to go home with all the intentions of helping, but nobody would let me. It ended up making me feel inadequate, a feeling I still can't shake. I hope all goes well for you. http://journals.aol.com/theresarrt7/TheresaWilliams-author/
"It's a dynamic I'm acustomed to; my husband has often accused me of pessimism where I have simply wanted to acknowledge the presence of pain. You can move through it, but only if you do."
I admire you tremendously, and am so glad to call you my friend. I am thinking of all of you. judi
Going home always fills me with foreboding and warmth simultaneously. My relationship with my parents is complicated (but isn't everybody's?) and the image of the "battered but still standing" is very a propos.
Vicky
http://www.livejournal.com/users/vxv789/
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