I've spent quite a bit of time on what can only be described as a conservative Christian message board. But I have come to the conclusion that staying there is such a violation of who I am that it is impossible for me to continue. At the same time, I can't really say good-bye to some of the people whom I genuinely like and respect, since "drama queen" would be the inevitable label.
Here's the conundrum:
When someone posts something with which I completely disagree, my choices are:
(1) I can state my disagreement, which enables me to be true to myself, my beliefs and values, and my friends, but invites vigorous disapproval and accusations that I am trying to create controversy where none exists.
(2) I can, without indicating my opinion one way or the other, note that we had agreed to avoid controversy, in the hope that people will stop posting on the topic. This prevents me from being true to myself, my beliefs and values and friends, but enables me to remain a gracious observer rather than a pot-stirrer. Nevertheless, it invites vigorous disapproval and accusations that I am trying to create controversy where none exists, just as if I had made an argumentative statement to start with.
(3) I can remain silent, keeping my objections to myself, as I very often do. This also prevents me from being true to myself, my beliefs and values and friends, and enables the original poster and supporters to believe that their position is unquestionably supported. It is also unhealthy for me, as my ears begin to steam and my blood pressure to rise whenever I see the disputed topic heading, which almost no one else will publicly admit to seeing as controversial.
(4) I can stop visiting the site. This also prevents me from being true to myself, since I do believe that reconciliation among people is a Christian imperative, and since it, too, enables the original poster and supporters to believe that their position is unquestionably supported. However, my presence is hardly mandated -- it's a message board, not a community in which I must live, and my absence will no doubt improve my mental health.
I think I choose (4). In my own community, the real life one in which I live, I have an obligation to vote my conscience and to speak out against injustice at least once in awhile. I am extremely fortunate to live in a place in which most people share my views on political and social issues. I suppose that those who do not share them agonize over whether to leave, just as I would if I lived in a real-life community in which my own values were attacked on a regular basis. I know that people have left my church over the liberal social views of our pastors, and I would have to leave if the situation were reversed. I guess a message board is about the same.
It's discouraging, though. I was at a church meeting tonight in which we talked about how devastating it would be for the worldwide Christian community if we cannot find ways to talk to each other across political lines. Easier said than done, that's for sure.
15 comments:
Oh my gosh! Yeah, I hear you loud and clear on that one. I guess it really depends on your committment to the board and how involved you want to be. I mean, no matter what you say, someone could disagree with it. Can you handle unneeded drama in your life?
I've both walked away and participated. When I participated, I did somehow make my views clear without being disrespectful, therefore being true to myself and allowing others to give their side. But it made others angry in the process. Later on, I walked away.
I guess there is no real answer to this.
Ari
I used to visit message boards now and then, and even chimed in on some of the topics being discussed. I gave it up altogether when the sniping began. I hate, too, to be shoved aside or ignored, or even to keep quiet when I know I don't believe what's going on around me. It's just that after a while my blood pressure was going through the roof everytime I clicked on one. Some of the people were very nice. Others were just plain vicious. I couldn't tolerate the lack of tolerance. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/Jmorancoyle/MyWay
In my opinion you can't win on message boards. They either a) want you to agree with them, or b) start being rude if you don't. I've never found one with a give and take conversation and two opposing views where people are respectful of the opposite view and are there to learn from each other. I have tried because I, personally, like to hear the other side, even if I don't agree. But, of course then I want to tell my side and it never works. And so often, it all seems so childish. I don't think you have to worry that by leaving that you are not true to yourself. I think you have to worry about that if you DON'T leave when you are wasting your time. Doing things in your community is the answer. There is always someone that agrees with you. Find them and do something active. Or find people on both sides and start a group of give and take conversation. If you have mature adults at least maybe people will come away with a new respect for how the other people are feeling, even if it doesn't match their own feelings/beliefs. But anyhow, I feel your frustration. :-)
One other thought is get e-mail addresses of the people that you like and start a one on one conversation that way. You can have some lively conversation on opposing views and if you hand pick them, you won't get get into that rude/bashing thing.
I also choose #4. We have enough angst in our real life and it's just not worth it to add problems in our life through the internet with people we many never lay eyes on. It's one of those pick and choose your battles type situation. Don't lose too much sleep over it though.
For your own mental health, you're making the smart choice. Message boards all too often devolve to winning an argument rather than intelligent discussion, which is usually the original draw. Being able to maintain real communication within the same religion is hard enough, opening it to other religions and cultures is incredibly difficult, but when it works, it's amazing.
Message boards? Cripes, haven't I taught you anything yet? You don't want message boards. What you want is massage boards.
I never liked message boards. I visited some early on in my "virtual life," and quickly came to realize that they introduced more negative things into my world than positive. They really are an exercise in tilting at windmills. I think you've made the right choice. Lisa :-]
I'd have to say #4 too. I haven't done too much with message boards beyond the topic of the day sort of thing on AOL. It soon becomes a little like taking a dive in the castle garbage pile at high noon in August or a virtual bar brawl.
You can't win, those who don't agree with you feel vindicated when you finally say the heck with it you're stuck with a virtual ulcer. The old "you're just trying to cause controversy" is the oldest accusation on the books. A bit like "have you stopped beating your wife/husband." If there was any hope of doing any good, I'd say stay. But it sounds like it won't.
Jackie
http://journals.aol.com/thesheatons/PixelsPoliticsPosiesandPussycats
Amen to you sister!
What a thought-provoking post, and so incredibly well written!
I thoroughly agree with everything that you have stated, and have found myself in the same situation as yourself over and over again. In the end, I realize that I also should have chosen #4, but I invariably chose #1 and find myself feeling pleased with myself as the stoning takes place.
I do not believe that it is currently possible for the worldwide Christian community to successfully talk across political lines. That is why I no longer attend church. Do I miss it? yes, I miss worshiping Jesus within a community. I don't miss the hypocrites that attend church and preach love of neighbor and then turn around and ignore the poor, condemn people who are different and act superior towards sinners like myself who drink wine and dance. Then they go and talk about me behind my back.
Forget the message boards. I came across a religious message on the boards last week, followed by another one telling the person who wrote the original message that it was inappropriate. In truth, I felt bad for both parties because they both thought they were right. In the end it convinced me to stay away from those boards. (I almost never go there anyway, that helped me remember why I stay away:))
Maryanne
I don't visit message boards.
Judith
http://journals.aol.com/jtuwliens/MirrorMirrorontheWall
I agree. Having just finished leading a 6-week discussion group at church about a controversial issue, I am worn out. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells at church, trying to find a balance between being true to my beliefs without raising undue controversy and antagonism. I'm not sure what the answer is.
I stopped visiting, reading or posting to message boards quite a few years ago. They are so divisive, people say things they would likely never say in a face to face situation and they seem to attrack an awful lot of "nuts". I decided I didn't need to invite negativity into my life or my living room. Stacy
Most message boards should be renamed "Drama Boards."
Gabreael
A conundrum to be sure. I'm with you though that whatever is best for your health and sanity is probably the best. Option 3 is unhealthy and Option 4 preserves mental health.
How do we civilly disagree? It puzzles me IRL and in cyber-space. I like a good debate but too often, people see any differing view as a direct, personal assault. It has destroyed friendships IME which means that they weren't really friends but sad nonetheless.
Kathryn
I say voice your opinion and be true to yourself. After all, this is a journal. You should write your true feelings. Any one who reads has a choice to feel whatever they want to feel. or to log on or not.
JT
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