Would You Do It The Same Way?

If you had your life as a mother to live over again, would you do it the same way?

I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, ever since a colleague expressed concern over her daughter's first pregnancy.  Having earned a doctoral degree and found employment before having her first child, and having remained steadily employed since, she is dismayed by her oldest's choice to forego graduate school for a first baby and at-home motherhood in her early 20s.

I told my daughter about the situation, mostly because I wanted to explore options with her.  At 17, feeling intensely the pressures of The College Process, and with no interest in having children ( a feeling that she thinks will last forever), she cannot imagine the choices that loom in her not-so-distant future.

I went to law school straight out of college, so most of the young women I knew in my early 20s were lawyers in the making.  We had few role models - women represented only 4% of the profession and 25% of our class.  The world was changing, but not fast enough for us to figure out what to do.  Many of the men in our class became parents within a year or two of graduation, but very few of the women followed that path.  Those men seemed to have married teachers and nurses, women whose careers had required less initial educational investment and who had a few years of work behind them when we were just getting started.  Most (not all) of my friends waited until their early 30s to become mothers.

Somewhere during that time period, our armour began to show signs of wear.  One friend never even took the bar exam; she dropped out of our summer prep class and never looked back.  Within a few years she had three children.  Others worked a few years, had a first child, and vanished from the workforce, never (so far) to return.  I worked part time after my twins were born, left my job when my third child was six months old, and returned when she entered first grade, first to several years of self-employment and then to a different career.  Others plowed forward into what have become extremely successful professional careers, but they tended to have either one child, or two children with a space of several years in between.  The only one of my classmates whom I know to have done what we all presumed we would -- build a high-powered career while having three children in quick succession -- acknowleges the critical role played by an always-on-call nanny,

Then there's the other group -- women who went to law school later.  One friend started when her twins were in elementary school.  Several women in my own class had completely grown and self-supporting children by the time that they applied to law school -- one of those women subsequently began one of the most successful practices in our city.

Oh, and another group -- most of my close friends now, made when I first became a stay-at-home mom, never had the kind of career ambitions that would have required a graduate education.  They all work (Ha!  We all have kids in college.  We will work until we turn 95 or die, whichever comes first.) , and all hope for satisfying work lives, but not at the expense of years of education and training.

So what's the best way to do it?  Oh, I know the answer -- there is no "best way."  But I am forming some thoughts on the matter -- not that my daughter will ever consider my thoughts relevant to her life.  (Of course, I relayed them to her anyway.)

I think that the big mistake that the professional women of my generation made was in trying to mimic the male pattern: an advanced education right after college, several years of apprenticeship, and finally the big prize of a partnership in a practice or business, a big corporate promotion, or tenure in a university.

The fault in that system became apparent as we hit 30.  The early 30s are crucial for career development -- at least insofar as the male model is concerned.  All of those professional prizes are dangled before the eyes of the 32-year-old employee, who has invested a lot of time and effort into grabbling the gold ring that by  then hangs just in front of her face.  The problem is obvious: the early 30s are also a crucial time for childbearing.  A woman who forges on in her career at that point makes significant compromises with respect to her role as a mother of young children.  A women who cuts back on or drops the career makes devastating choices with respect to her future work life and income.

Biology being what it is, I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging that the situation differs for men and women.  What's wrong is not recognizing that alternate career paths are as viable and contributive as the traditional ones. 

I told my daughter that I think that if I had it to do over again, I would have had my children in my mid-20s, shortly after finishing college, and focused entirely on them for several years.  No more of the wishy-washy back-and-forth stuff.  Then, with the children launched in elementary and middle school and my time somewhat more under my control, I would have gone on to to complete my education, with the idea of beginning a career as they finished high school or began college.  I would have been only in my mid-40s by the time my children were all in college, physically, mentally and emotionally ready to focus my energy outside my home without feeling pulled in a dozen directions.

Well, that's one view.  I'd love to hear what others have to say.  How would you advise your own daughters?