I received an interesting comment a few entries back, in which someone said that I usually seem unflappable. I wonder what that means about me and the way I move about in the world. People are always telling me things like that -- well, not my family, which knows better, but other people.
"You look so elegant, professional and calm." Said just as I am thinking about throwing up due to anxiety over a court appearance (in my former life as a lawyer).
"You were so collected and cool." Said in the aftermath of a trip to the ER after mopping up my daughter and her blood, soaked into a playing field following her encounter with a field hockey stick that was a bit too high.
"I had no idea you were concerned about that." Said about a zillion times just following some clenched-fist crunched-stomach crisis.
It seems that I move through life with my feelings almost completely masked. Where did that come from? I read during last year's presidential campaign that Howard Dean had attended a New England boarding school where the icy approach to life taught as a matter of course was "Never complain; never explain." Ahhh, I chuckled to myself, THAT I recognized. (In direct contrast to much of contemporary life, where the rule seems to be "Complain and explain and don't ever stop.) Although it was a motto that I had never heard articulated in just that way, anyone who grew up under the shadow of an eastern boarding school would recognize it. Unfair bad grade? Suck it up. Feelings hurt? Not a word. Uncomfortable about a situation, a presentation, an assignment? Don't let on.
My family of origin reeked of the same set of values, as established primarily by my beloved grandmother, who seldom mentioned -- and NEVER complained about -- the trials of growing up with and eventually bearing full responsibility for a mother richocheting from one biploar episode to another, and almost never mentioned my own mother and brother after they died. It wasn't just that feelings were an unacceptable topic of conversation. It was that presenting a calm and focused appearance to the world at large was an absolute imperative.
How fortunate that the geological imperatives of Yellowstone are somewhat less restrained. I can't take any credit for this one -- it's my son's, from his little four-day cross country jaunt.
9 comments:
Awesome photograph!!
I don't know which approach is really better....to suck it up and learn to live with what dishes out, or to make some noise and try to get the life you want.
Hopefully most of us can find a medium point with a little of both. I'm not so sure it's a great idea to spend life suffering in silence.
Well I think either extreme is not the best way to handle things, but I think we all deal with things in the way we know how. Changing and undoing the people we have become can be really difficult. Interesting to think about though.... Most people complain way too much though :-) Pamela
My family followed the "suck it up" philosophy. Somehow, though, I think I was the changeling. Not that I complain too much, or that I don't know how to suck it up...I just don't see why you should ALWAYS have to. Sometimes it's a good thing to let people know what is going on with you...otherwise, how can you possibly expect to ever connect on a real, visceral level with ANY other human being? Then again, I have gone through life hoping to connect with people in this way, and have been sadly disappointed. People don't really want to know... Perhaps better to never bare your soul, than to bare it and have it rejected. Lisa :-]
I lack the New England cool, but my family shared a similar set of values. You didn't show concerns publicly. You always smiled. I learned how to master the always smiling part, but could never keep the anxieties private. They always spilled over. Part of me is glad about that. Part of me wishes that I had that cool exterior.
Hmmm. The contrast between "never complain; never explain" and the way people currently express their feelings, self-actualized longings, perceived entitlements, etc. almost makes me long for the days of repression. If one more person tells me how busy they are as in "my life is much harder than anybody else's", I will scream. Everyone is as busy as they would like to be - me too.
I don't know as I would describe you as unflappable because you feel things deeply but the words strong, capable, and wise come to mind immediately.
gorgeous picture!!! interesting journal entry ~ my college boyfriend called me "stoic", which I think he thought was a compliment, but I wasn't sure and it felt insulting to me. I think I've gotten more expressive over time, good thing I didn't hang on to that one or I might have blown up from bottling my feelings inside.
Lovely picture.
Gabreael
Oh, ditto, ditto!!!
Never ever look shaken - never ever even look inside to examine your feelings - I'm all right, Jack - and so are you. Stiff upper lip and all that.
It's taken years of work to undo - and there is still so much that will never unstick.
Still, I guess there is a kind of middle ground that I seem to be walking now. And as for you, Robin, you are very capable of venting herein your journal - I've read it!
Your son is quite the photographer - the picture is awesome!
Vicky
http://www.livejournal.com/users/vxv789/
ive enjoyed reading your recent entries this morning.
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